Lifestyle
How to juggle Christmas and other big holidays after divorce
Navigating Christmas post-divorce can be as tricky as untangling last year’s string of fairy lights, but it doesn't have to end in frustration. Here’s how real families find calm and connection during the holidays - and some expert advice on how to keep the Christmas magic alive.
By Sabrina Rogers
My children were still so little the first Christmas after I separated from their dad. My big girl was 8, my twins were 5 and Santa was their hero.
While our marriage had turned toxic towards the end, we both made a concerted effort to put the past behind us and co-parent closely and amicably. We even managed to forge a friendship out of the ashes of our failed union.
So, for many Christmases after our split, we all jumped in the car together for the big drive from the Sunshine Coast down to Sydney. Both his family and my best friend lived there (whereas my family was in my native Canada), so it made sense for us to head down together.
I slept on a pull-out bed at his parents’ house on Christmas Eve so we could share the magic of Christmas morning and the furious unwrapping of Santa's haul. His family still welcomed me with open arms, insisting I could stay with them for the entire holidays if I wanted.
But once the wrapping paper had been put in the recycling bin and we’d stuffed ourselves with turkey, I headed to my friend’s house. My ex and I then spent the rest of the trip splitting the kids between us until it was time to drive home.
Some thought it was a bit odd that we still spent Christmas together, but it was all about the kids and keeping the Christmas spirit alive. Now that they’re older, we negotiate how we’ll split the day. This year, I’ll be popping by his house early Christmas morning to open presents, and then we’ll each celebrate separately with our new partners and their kids.
Do what feels right for your family
Taking it one step further, Laura and her second husband host a huge Christmas lunch every year. They invite Laura’s ex-husband, his new partner and her kids, and even her ex’s parents.
“We all get along so well and it’s amazing for our kids to have their big extended family celebrating together,” she says. “I love how close they are with their step-siblings and I want them to be able to share every moment of Christmas day with them. Who cares if people think it’s weird?”
Registered Psychologist and founder of Toward Wellbeing Rachel Tomlinson agrees that there’s no “right” way for divorced families to approach Christmas.
“Forget about what's ‘normal’ because there's no such thing and comparison is the thief of joy,” she says. “The healthiest choice is the one that feels emotionally safe for everyone involved, not the one that looks the most ‘civil’ from the outside.”
Focus on the future and create new traditions
Kara had always been a certified Christmas junkie. She’d put up the tree in early November, deck the house out in National Lampoon-level lighting, go all in with Elf on the Shelf tricks and play Mariah Carey on repeat until the New Year rolled around.
But when her husband left her for another woman in October 2018, she felt all the Christmas spirit drain out of her.
“I couldn’t even bring myself to pull out the Christmas decorations until a week before Christmas,” she says. “I tried my best to put on a smile for my kids, but I was in a world of emotional pain.”
Despite her best efforts to reclaim her Christmas spirit in subsequent years, she was always reminded of her husband’s betrayal and felt resentful that he was playing happy families while she was struggling to heal and move on.
“I feel like I cheated my kids out of Christmas for a few years, but I’m trying to make up for lost time now by rustling up some Christmas magic for my grandkids,” she says.
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It’s entirely natural for big holidays to stir up old emotions after divorce, says Rachel.
“Instead of focusing on the grief of what you lost – including the relationship itself, holiday traditions and having to share custody – do your best to reframe things,” she explains. “Try to shift your focus to opportunities and remember that you don’t have to recreate the past. You can build new traditions that feel meaningful for where your family is now.”
Communicate openly and early
When the dynamic between ex-partners is tense, Rachel recommends approaching holiday planning as early and constructively as possible.
“Especially when new partners or step-families are in the mix, open communication before Christmas is essential,” she says. “It helps prevent misunderstandings, reduces assumptions and gives everyone a chance to express what matters most to them. Think of it as intentionally designing the day rather than letting old patterns or tensions take over.”
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Adam wasn’t able to forge an amicable relationship with his ex-wife, so they created a clear-cut Christmas arrangement when their son was young to minimise confusion and conflict.
“He spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at one house, and then we swapped over at 11am,” Adam explains. “The following year, we did the opposite, so we each got to have him for Christmas morning every second year.
“But as he got older and step-families’ plans needed to be taken into account, we had more flexibility and always made it work. Now that he’s 23, he makes his own decisions about how and where he wants to spend Christmas.”
Keeping the Christmas magic alive
There’s no right or wrong way to handle the holidays after separation or divorce, but putting your children’s wellbeing first will almost always lead to the best outcomes. When they’re old enough to decide for themselves, asking them how they’d like to spend Christmas may be your best bet.
Feature image: iStock/Anchiy
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