Lifestyle
Family estrangement is more common than you think
As more families choose distance over difficult conversations, the quiet heartbreak of estrangement is becoming an uncomfortable modern reality.
By Rachael Mogan McIntosh
Wendy had not spoken to her sister in years, but when their father had a stroke, she reached out. “We were able to be with him in his last moments as a family peacefully, which was a real gift. However, after he passed, it wasn’t long before the conflict re-arose in really nasty ways,” Wendy told the ABC’s Life Matters in a podcast episode exploring ‘family estrangement’, or intentional distancing between relatives.
It’s a practice that seems to be on the rise. In 2025, a YouGov poll found 38% of American adults were estranged from a family member, and Dr Kylie Agllias, author of the 2016 book Family Estrangement, places the local figure at around 1 in 25 Australians.
The topic dominated news cycles recently when Brooklyn Beckham, son of uber-famous Victoria and David, detonated his relationship with his parents via a 700-word Instagram Story that accused his mother of a screed of crimes, including, notoriously, that she ‘danced inappropriately on him’ at his wedding. (The ‘on’, rather than ‘with’ conjures a certain visual, especially since, in a somewhat old-fashioned touch, no video appears to exist of this mother-son scene.) It did, however, launch a thousand memes re-imagining Victoria as David Brent, Mr Bean and Kath Day-Knight among others.
The shock when it’s your child
For parents, the estrangement of a child can come as a shock. Becca Bland, founder of the UK group Stand Alone, runs video courses for parents with titles like ‘What Does the Silence Mean? I Don’t Know What Happened!’ and ‘What Is the Younger Generation Thinking?!’
The Reddit forum r/EstrangedAdultChild has nearly 60,000 members, and features sub-reddits on topics like ‘What to do when estranged parents weaponize other family members?’ and ‘Letting yourself hate is healing’.
In most cases, the situation will be resolved. An Ohio State University study found that 80% of estrangements with mothers end, as do 69% of estrangements with fathers. The stats in Australia are less known, but it can be an ego struggle to forgive a family member that has hurt you, said Krupka. “But if you really want a transformation in your relationship, then those difficult conversations are necessary.”
Siblings aren’t talking either
Estrangement can occur between siblings too. Madonna reconciled her decades-long conflict with her brother Christopher before his death last year.
Brotherly bonds in the British Royal Family have strained very publicly in recent times: with King Charles and disgraced Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor (formerly known as Prince) becoming estranged.
The two younger Princes William and Harry have also not spoken since Harry’s tell-all memoir Spare pulled back the curtain on their complicated family life.
Feeling unsafe
It’s hard to know why estrangement is becoming more common, Zoe Krupka, therapist and lecturer at the Cairnmillar Institute, told Life Matters. “Research is sparse, but we do know that there has been a general move towards being more critical of one's parents, along with a decreased social stigma about going ‘no-contact’’’, she said. Key drivers of estrangement are abuse and neglect, said Krupka, “and any kind of situation where you can’t make yourself safe, or you weren’t able to make yourself safe as a child.”
It’s true, too, that modern life is increasingly siloed. We are less practiced at existing alongside others with different viewpoints than we once were. Social media ‘narrowcasts’ our interests and algorithms are incentivised to promote conflict, which drives engagement and therefore economics.
Self-help author Mel Robbins claims that one in four Americans are estranged from their families in order to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Oprah had 5 million people tune into her recent podcast on the issue, where she framed the problem as a lack of ‘capacity’ to cope with emotional distress.
Cultural ideas of what constitutes trauma have changed, too, with a crucial generational divide in terms of what is ‘toxic’ behaviour, and what is truly abusive. This is reflected in the stats; with US YouGov polling showing that just 35% of children estranged from a parent said they would be willing to reconcile.
Reconnection can be messy or even impossible
Each tale of family estrangement contains its own idiosyncratic and particular pain. Tim, on Life Matters, held medical power of attorney for his sick mother which meant he had to navigate who was allowed to see her.
“A couple of people have never spoken to me again,” says Tim. “And that’s okay.”
Wendy found that although her father’s death brought the sisters together briefly, it did not last. “Sometimes estrangement is due to mental health conditions that can’t be resolved,” she said.
But when Naomi re-connected with her father for the first time in 20 years, she had to laugh when his opening salvo was “Well, I guess you haven’t managed to do any exercise in the meantime!” Their reconciliation is due in part, she thinks, to a dementia diagnosis that means he may have forgotten exactly what the original fight had been about.
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Feature image: iStock/fizkes
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