Health
Is happiness really the goal? Rethinking what it means to live well
We all want to be content and experience joy, but what if we’ve had it wrong all along and pursuing happiness isn't the way to live a fulfilled life? ‘Dr Happy’ weighs in.
By Sabrina Rogers-Anderson
When Maree turned 50, she made a pact with herself: she was going to shake up her life and push herself out of her comfort zone.
She’d been pursuing a life of comfort and ease for decades and it hadn’t brought her the happiness she’d hoped it would. No matter how much she tried to avoid stressful situations or how many expensive gadgets she bought to make her life easier, unexpected dramas always came along to disrupt it and she would get angry that she “couldn’t catch a break”.
“I had this completely unrealistic expectation that life should be easy and I should be happy all the time,” she says. “I don’t know why it took me 50 years to figure out I had it all wrong, but the day I decided to embrace the hard stuff and actually put myself out there and try new things that scared me was the day I started being truly happy. I went skydiving that year and I hiked the Santiago Trail in Spain. It was scary, but so fulfilling.
“When my mum was diagnosed with cancer and my dog died on the same day last year, I didn’t curse the gods. I told myself, ‘This is a sh*t day. Tomorrow something good will happen.’ That mindset shift changed everything for me. It’s ironic that the key to my happiness was letting go of trying to be happy all the time.”
Why are we so obsessed with being happy?
According to Dr Tim Sharp, aka ‘Dr Happy’, Chief Happiness Officer at the Happiness Institute and author of Lost & Found, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be happy – but we might need to revise our definition of this coveted feeling.
“The average person defines happiness as a positive or pleasant emotion,” he explains. “Positive emotions are important and should be nourished, but they’re only part of the equation. That’s why psychologists generally view happiness as something deeper or more enduring. More technically, it might be called thriving, flourishing or living a meaningful life.”
4 ways to pursue a more meaningful life
How can we go about pursuing this deeper meaning of happiness? Dr Sharp has 4 tips.
1. Stop judging your emotions
Historically, psychologists have categorised emotions as either positive (happiness, joy and love) or negative (sadness, fear and anxiety). While they weren’t ill-intentioned, this has led many of us to erroneously judge our emotions as either “good” or “bad”, says Dr Sharp.
“Anxiety, for example, isn’t bad,” he explains. “It serves a very useful purpose by preventing us from doing dangerous things. Similarly, anger can motivate us to protect ourselves or our loved ones. Our emotions are like signals or messages that are almost always telling us something useful.
“So, rather than seeing emotions as positive or negative, I encourage people to try to view them all equally. Human beings should and do feel all sorts of things, so we need to get away from judging our emotions.”
That said, it’s important to differentiate between normal human emotions and clinical disorders, such as a major anxiety disorder or depressive disorder, notes Dr Sharp. Mental health issues can significantly impact our quality of life and professional help may be needed.
2. Lean into discomfort
Once we accept our challenging emotions as a normal part of the human experience, we can start to see them as a useful tool for growth and progress.
“Trying new things can feel uncomfortable, but with that comes excitement, pride and other positive things we wouldn’t experience if we played it safe all the time,” explains Dr Sharp. “Discomfort can be associated with growth, learning, experimentation and exploration.”
His own experience with skydiving a decade ago was “both the most terrifying and the most exhilarating moment” of his life.
“The terrifying bit is the cost of admission for the exhilaration,” says Dr Sharp. “ Just like anxiety is the price we pay for excitement and sadness is the price we pay for love. Grief can be incredibly painful and distressing, but love is a beautiful part of life and you can't have one without the other. Seeing it this way can help us approach some of those unpleasant emotions in a more constructive way.”
3. Reframe your challenging emotions
Have you ever wondered whether you’re excited or anxious in the lead-up to a big moment or event in your life? These emotions can be hard to tell apart because they’re so similar – and you can use that to your advantage.
“If you look at the physiological symptoms of anxiety – like increased heart rate, muscle tension and an upset stomach – they’re often exactly the same as the signs of excitement,” notes Dr Sharp.
“Physiologically, our bodies are responding in the same way. The difference is in the interpretation of those symptoms. If we see them as potentially dangerous or risky, that leads to feelings of anxiety. But if we frame them in a more positive light, we see it as excitement. So, learning to reframe those feelings – which is at the heart of cognitive therapy – can help people cope with them better.”
But what if some situations cause you an excessive amount of anxiety or fear and you can’t bring yourself to confront them?
“The most effective treatment for anxiety is exposure therapy, which involves gradual exposure to objects or situations you fear,” says Dr Sharp.
“Some days, you may not be able to handle social situations, for example, and you’ll choose to stay at home. While that’s fine in the short term, it’s not great in the long term. Confronting your fears in an appropriate way and at your own pace will help you overcome them.”
4. Look beyond the present moment
Next time you’re tempted to skip your Pilates class, consider this.
“Comfort is attractive in the present moment, but in the long term, it can be boring, mundane and limiting,” says Dr Sharp. “I encourage people to look beyond the present moment and consider what choosing the uncomfortable option will lead to in an hour, a day or a year. It might help you master a new skill or feel better about yourself.
“If all we do is think about the here and now, we’ll just eat chocolate ice cream and never exercise. But most of us know that, while it isn't always fun now, eating healthy and exercising will benefit us in the long run. It's all about weighing up the short versus long-term feelings and consequences and trying to make better decisions.”
Try this: 10 of the best apps to help you learn a new skill
Finding fulfilment
Everyone deserves happiness in their lives, but – at the risk of sounding cliché – it isn’t a destination and roadblocks are inevitable. By reframing the way you view life’s knocks and bumps, you might find that you’ve been happy all along, but you just didn’t know it.
Image: iStock/blackCAT
The information on this page is general information and should not be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease. Do not use the information found on this page as a substitute for professional health care advice. Any information you find on this page or on external sites which are linked to on this page should be verified with your professional health care provider.
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