Lifestyle
How to support a grieving friend
When a mate loses a loved one, it can be hard to know how to be there for them. Here’s what to say, words you should try to avoid and how to offer support they’ll appreciate.
By Sabrina Rogers-Anderson
When my friend James was diagnosed with leukaemia within days of my breast cancer diagnosis, we commiserated about our upcoming chemo and planned our “F*** Cancer” party once we were on the other side of that whole mess.
But something terrible and unimaginable happened. James didn’t make it to the other side. A couple of months after his diagnosis, he slipped away in his traumatised fiancée’s arms at the much-too-early age of 35. Despite the fact that she lived in Florida and we’d never met, Nikki and I became very close.
Four years on, her grief has changed shape, but it hasn’t lessened in intensity. Through our conversations and her social media posts, she’s taught me a lot about grief and how to treat people who are living with it. For one, you shouldn’t expect them to “move on” after a set amount of time.
“We don’t move on,” Nikki explains. “We carry the grief with us because grief is love we can no longer express or share.”
Knowing how to support a grieving friend – both in the initial stages and in the long term – can be super tricky.
“Grief, whether it's relating to death, illness or some other life event, is a time when we can feel helpless to support our friends or loved ones,” says Rachel Tomlinson, Registered Psychologist and owner of Toward Wellbeing.
“There’s a lot of pressure to say the ‘right thing’ which can lead us to sometimes not say anything at all. But for people managing grief, feeling connected with and loved by others can help them cope with their distress and loss. Try to show up with consistency and compassion and not worry about doing or saying the perfect thing.”
Still not sure what to say? Here are some pointers from Rachel and 3 women who have experienced grief firsthand.
What to avoid saying to a grieving friend
While you shouldn’t let the fear of saying the wrong thing hold you back from supporting your friend, there are a few sentences that are better left unsaid.
1. Steer clear of clichés
“Try to avoid false platitudes like ‘Everything happens for a reason’, ‘It’s for the best’ or ‘There are always silver linings,’” says Rachel. “These kinds of statements can come across as insensitive and undermine their grief and feelings.
“Also, avoid bringing yourself into it by saying, ‘I know how you feel’. Your intention may be to create a sense of shared history, but it can result in feelings of anger or disconnection because it shifts the focus from them back to us. We need to give people space to experience their grief in their own way.
“We also don't want to rush their feelings by saying, ‘Just think positively’ or ‘There are always people out there who are worse off.’ While these comments may be well-meaning, they can put pressure on the person to stop being authentic in their grief or signal to them that you don't want to hear about their complicated, mixed-up, unpleasant feelings.”
2. Avoid ‘how are you?’ texts
“I found it really hard to answer texts that said, ‘How are you doing?’” says Dani, who lost her beloved dad nearly 3 years ago.
“The answer: sh*t. It’s hard to keep thinking of what to say and you don’t feel like explaining yourself on any given day. I really loved messages that said, ‘I’m thinking of you and holding you in my heart’ or something like that.”
What to say to support a grieving loved one
Are you the type who needs to be told exactly what to say? We’ve got your back.
1. It can be messy as long as it’s genuine
“Saying something supportive could be as simple as, ‘I love you so much that I'm really worried about getting it wrong or not saying the right thing,’” suggests Rachel. “But I’m here and I want you to know how much I care about you."
2. ‘I’m here to listen’
Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can say is nothing at all. Listening with an open mind and heart is one of the best gifts you can give a person who is experiencing grief.
“When my dad passed, I discovered that death makes people feel really awkward,” says Sharon. “It went silent sometimes if I even mentioned his name or tried to tell a story about him. For some reason, telling a story makes you feel like that person is near, so simply listening, asking questions and engaging authentically is such a simple yet beautiful way to support someone.”
When a close friend of Lisa’s lost her son last year, Lisa had to get very comfortable with grief. “It's essential that you be in the weeds with the person grieving and not make any attempt to 'cheer them up' or offer any positive spin on anything,” she explains. “You have to be willing to get all the way into the sad.”
3 practical ways to support a grieving friend
If saying the right thing isn’t your specialty and your love language leans more towards gift-giving or acts of service, there’s plenty you can do to support your mate in their time of need.
1. Be specific about how you can help
“Instead of vaguely saying, ‘Let me know how I can help’, give them tangible offers of support,” says Rachel. “It could be making meals and snacks they can eat immediately or freeze, or offering to watch their kids while they go to appointments or for some self-care time.”
Lisa agrees that the more specific you get in your offers to help, the better. "Say, ‘I will bring you dinner on Friday night’, ‘I can come over at 3pm on Tuesday’ or ‘Can I come over in 30 minutes and walk your dog for you?’” she explains. “Take all the ambiguity out of everything and show up with absolute intention.”
2. Thoughtful gifts don’t hurt
While most people don’t expect gifts when they’re grieving, they can be a nice way to show you care.
“I really liked getting flowers from people,” says Dani. “I found it very touching to know they were thinking of me. A group of my friends even had a painting made of my dad and sent it to me. That was the most incredible thing.”
3. Stay present
While offers of help and support pour in at first, they soon thin out and can leave the person feeling alone and abandoned to their grief.
“Most people aren’t around a few weeks later when it really hits home,” says Sharon. “So, checking in on how they're feeling down the track and continuing to offer your help is a courageous and empathetic way to support someone’s grief.”
When should you worry about your friend’s wellbeing?
While it’s often said that grief doesn’t have a timeline, you may start to worry about your friend if they’re still in the throes of grief months or even years later. So, how can you tell if they’re not coping and may need professional help?
“Grief isn’t linear and you don't get incrementally better each day until it’s gone one day,” Rachel explains. “It can crop up unexpectedly, or diminish and then reappear.
“Grief can have long-term impacts on mood and can turn into depression. If someone experiences symptoms that aren’t improving for 6 to 12 months, withdraws from loves ones, has a reduced ability to manage daily activities, feels overwhelmed, guilty or hopeless, experiences sleep or appetite changes, or at any point express suicidal thoughts, it’s important that they seek professional support.
“Gently share your concerns and encourage joining a support group or seeing a mental health professional. If they ever talk about wanting to end their life, it's important to get immediate assistance by calling a support line such as Lifeline (13 11 14) or emergency services (000).”
Getting comfortable with grief
There’s no magic formula to ease a loved one’s grief, but showing up authentically, being willing to listen openly and offering practical help can help ease their pain during one of the most challenging times of their life.
Feature image: iStock/yacobchuk
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