Lifestyle
Still love them, just bored senseless? Let’s talk about long-term desire
If your relationship feels more dishwasher duty than date night, you’re in excellent company. But your spark can always be rekindled and it often takes far less effort (and far more fun) than you think.
By Bron Maxabella
There’s a moment in every long-term relationship when you look across the room at your partner, count your blessings and think, “How are you still wearing those shorts?” And then you go back to unloading the dishwasher, booking the pink slip and wondering why the dog keeps throwing up grass. Romance, am I right?
Don’t worry, you’re not broken. Life gets busy, kids get needy (even when they’re 26 years old and supposedly independent) and the relationship that once sparked you into life gets dampened by laundry, logistics and lingering resentment about who does more around the house.
“The spark usually fades because of a lifetime of unspoken resentment or unresolved conflict,” says Peta Kelly, couples counsellor and founder of Bloom Psychology Practice. “Small hurts accumulate over decades, and even ‘stable’ couples can carry years of emotional avoidance that slowly erode closeness.
“On top of that, major life transitions – empty nest, retirement, menopause, illness, grief, caregiving, or shifting roles – can change identity and reduce emotional or sexual connection.”
But don’t count yourselves out just yet because you can absolutely bring that spark back to life. You just need a solid intention, the willingness to try something new together and a touch of mischief.
Here are some practical, fun and occasionally cheeky ways to reconnect with your favourite human again.
Start by naming what’s missing
It sounds obvious, but so many of us avoid the “where did our spark go” conversation because it feels awkward or confrontational.
“Prioritising the relationship starts with having the real conversations you’ve avoided. Name the issues, be honest about your part, and take responsibility for the behaviours that created distance,” advises Peta.
This includes looking at the entrenched roles you’ve both taken on over many years – or, as Peta explains it, “the over-functioning/under-functioning pattern where one partner carries the emotional load while the other withdraws.”
Peta points out that healthy relationships take effort, time and a commitment to changing patterns that no longer work. “If you can’t see a clear path forward, seek support from a qualified couple’s therapist and make a joint commitment to repair, reclaim and reconnect,” she urges.
Treat this as a shared project, not a performance review. This is all about committing to make the good thing you already have even better. This alone should relieve pressure and make it easier to introduce new ideas without feeling judged.
Shake up your routine
Long-term couples tend to get stuck in the “same-same” trench, sometimes for years. Same dinner, same couch, same tv shows, same bedtime, same arguments. Every relationship needs a bit of novelty, in fact, our brains thrive on it.
So break the script: have dinner somewhere completely unexpected. Try a rowdy Greek taverna, a tiny Vietnamese café tucked away, a pub you’d normally never give a second glance. Novelty boosts dopamine, and dopamine can help boost connection by activating our brain's reward system.
Doing something new together isn’t just fun, it’s incredibly bonding too. Your brain releases chemicals that help you feel more connected when you navigate unfamiliar experiences as a team. So try:
- A pottery class where your mugs collapse and you laugh yourselves silly
- A bushwalk at sunset, because everything feels more romantic when the light is good
- An e-bike ride with a pub stop halfway
- A dance session that leaves you feeling hot and revved up
If leaving the house feels too hard, mix things up anyway. Peta suggests trying her “Switch Roles for a Day” reset. You simply choose one day a week to switch roles – not the chores, but your relationship roles. “If you’re usually the planner, let your partner lead. If you tend to withdraw, initiate,” Peta explains. “It’s fun, it disrupts old patterns, and it helps you both understand each other more clearly.”
You could also try simple things like eating dinner outside picnic-style, turning off the lights and dining by candlelight, or dressing up as though you’re going to a Michelin-star restaurant and then serving toasted sandwiches. Whatever gets you off autopilot.
Date nights, but make them simple
I rather loathe the term ‘date night’, but spending time together doing something a bit different is too important to ignore as a ‘thing’. Nights out don’t need to be a whole production that costs half the weekly budget. In fact, simplicity works better because there’s less pressure.
Consider:
- Ice-cream in the car while people-watching at the beach
- A board game and a glass of wine after the kids retreat to their rooms
- A DIY cocktail night where you each invent something truly questionable
- A late-night supermarket wander (unironically fun)
Regularity matters more than extravagance here. Find heaps more fun ideas here.
Stop being your partner’s project manager
Nothing kills desire faster than feeling like you’re managing the other person. I want to say ‘mothering’ here, but I’m trying to stay gender-neutral (even though we all know who is doing the managing in most relationships…)
Couples in midlife, especially those who still have kids at home, can end up dividing roles so practically that it turns the romance into logistics.
So step back and let your partner handle things their way. Or swap roles for a week just to get a feel for the load the other person carries. You might find a new-found respect for each other or you might find you need to have a chat about dividing the work a bit more fairly. Either way, you’re opening a conversation and as long as you’re both open and kind, that can only be a good thing for your relationship.
Laugh together again
Humour is rocket fuel for connection and intimacy. Long-term couples who laugh together regularly have higher relationship satisfaction – the science is rock-solid on this.
Time to refine your sense of humour! Watch or rewatch the dumbest funny movie you can find (think Meet the Parents, The Trip or Flying High). Send each other TikToks or Instagram reels that make you LOL (start here). Put on music from the decade you met and perform your most tragic dance moves together. Try doing a silly social media #couplechallenge together like this, or this, or even this (maybe not that 😂).
If all else fails, book a comedy show for Friday night and just go.
Have a sex chat that isn’t terrifying
If you haven't talked about sex in a decade, congratulations, you’re exactly normal. But silence can be the enemy of good sex.
“Couples stop having sex for several reasons and all are unique to their circumstance,” says accredited clinical sex therapist and relationship counsellor Lauren Muratore. “One major common denominator I see is that they stop prioritising it. They get complacent, they get too busy with life, and they don't turn towards that aspect of their relationship. They don't honour it and keep it going.”
Decide that today is the day you start honouring it and keeping it going.
Try this: each of you answers three simple prompts.
- One thing I love about our sex life
- One thing I miss
- One thing I’m curious to try
“Sex doesn't have to be an uncomfortable conversation, it's important to understand one another's beliefs, wants, dislikes, and accelerators and brakes to sex,” says Lauren. “A good tip is to ask yourself what turns your brain and body on to get in the mood. Maybe you need a massage, or maybe you love a quality chat that makes you feel seen and understood. Maybe it's a fun date and quality time with your partner – it's not the same for everyone.
“And don't forget fun and joy, because both can assist [with] getting in the mood!”
Touch without agenda
Sex is important, but so is everything that happens before sex and everything that happens after. The problem is, long-term couples often skip straight from “busy” to “bed” with nothing in between. That middle space – the back rub, the gentle stroking, the sweet hand-hold – is often where desire grows.
“First, check-in that you both want sex or sexual touch. You might need to familiarise yourselves with your bodies again, and your partners’,” says Lauren. “A good first step is to check back in how you like to be touched, and understand how your partner likes to be touched. Not jumping straight into planning sex or forcing the idea of sex is important, as it keeps the pressure off.”
Fortunately, this is quite an easy one to get good at very quickly. Try things like:
- Holding hands while you walk the dog
- Sitting side-by-side instead of opposite ends of the sofa (maybe a head goes onto a shoulder or into a lap)
- Giving each other a little back rub while waiting for the kettle to boil
- Hugging for a long time when you say hello or goodbye (preferably for at least 20 seconds)
- Playing footsies under the dinner table (avoid making contact with the kids’ feet like the plague)
- Putting your hand on each others’ knee when seated next to each other
- Playing with each others’ hair
- Putting your arm around each other when you’re standing or walking together
Low-pressure physical closeness is incredibly powerful and, well, nice. Really nice.
The 6-second kiss (don’t knock it until you try it)
Research tells us that a kiss that lasts at least 6 seconds can switch your nervous system from frazzled to connected in under a minute. And yet most long-term couples barely brush lips, like they’re kissing a distant relative at Christmas lunch.
Try a proper kiss. Not the quick “bye, have a good day” peck; I’m talking 6 whole seconds and more, more, more. The kind of kiss you used to give each other before life got complicated… with tongues and noises and maybe a little under-shirt hand action. That kind of kiss.
Appreciation is extremely sexy
Often resentment can build when we don’t feel seen or appreciated. Surely one of life’s biggest passion killers? Peta suggests a fun “Three Questions” connection game to reconnect. “This builds emotional intimacy fast and gives structure without pressure,” she says. “It’s short, it’s light, and it opens the door to connection without turning it into a heavy conversation.
Ask each other three simple questions once a week:
- What’s one thing you appreciated about me this week?
- What’s one thing that felt challenging?
- What’s one thing you’d like more of next week?
Let nostalgia be the spark
By the time you get to a certain age, Memory Lane is more like a long and winding road. But it’s still a fabulous drive (and hopefully it leads you to each other's door, etc). So pull out old photos, tell each other the story of the night you met, revisit the café where you once stayed so long the waiters had to kick you out - we’ve all got our stories, don’t for
get to tell each other yours.
Nostalgia is a proven emotional connector. It reminds you of who you were, who you are and why you chose each other in the first place. It can also help ignite your relationship spark into a full-blown fire if you decide to reminisce about your sex life over the years… a ‘top 10 countdown’, if you will?
Feature image: iStock/Tom Merton
Tell us in the comments below: What’s your top tip for keeping your relationship sparking?
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