Health
Love, sex and perimenopause – here’s how to find your rhythm again
Perimenopause doesn’t just mess with your hormones, it can shake your relationship too. In this extract from her new book The Perimenopause Method, Michelle Bridges shares how to stay connected through the changes.
By Michelle Bridges
Perimenopause isn’t just about hormone shifts – it’s a whole-of-life shift. It can shake your confidence, mess with your sex drive, rattle your emotions and, yep, put pressure on your relationships.
Some people say they’ve never felt more empowered. Others say they feel flat, frustrated or completely out of sync with their partner (or themselves). One friend said it was like she’d gone from being the glue in her household to wanting to run off and live alone in a cabin. Another admitted she still loved her partner, but felt zero connection in the bedroom. And a third said this phase made her braver because it gave her the clarity to finally leave a relationship that had stopped working years ago.
She’s not alone, either. Divorce stats show that Australian women are more likely than men to initiate separation in midlife and menopause often plays a role. Not because it ‘makes you moody’ (let’s retire that trope), but because it forces you to ask big, honest questions: Am I happy? Do I feel seen? What do I want for the next part of my life?
Talk to your partner (even if it feels awkward)
Menopause can be just as confusing for your partner as it is for you. They might not understand why you’re feeling different or why your libido has changed and, without an open conversation, they could misinterpret the silence. They might assume you’ve lost interest, that they’ve done something wrong, or that the relationship is in trouble.
The good news? A little communication goes a long way. Talking about what’s going on, even in small, low-pressure ways, can help you both feel more connected and supported.
Tips for starting the conversation
You don’t need to have all the answers. Sometimes, even opening the door to a conversation can ease tension and reassure your partner that this isn’t about pushing them away: it’s about figuring things out together. If you’re not sure how to start, here are a few ways to break the ice. Set the stage for a relaxed conversation: timing matters. If emotions are running high or you’re both stressed, it’s not the time for a deep chat about intimacy. Instead, try setting up a moment when you can both be present.
You can say things like:
- ‘Hey, can we find some time to talk? Maybe a walk after dinner?’
- ‘I’ve been thinking a lot about how we connect and I’d love to chat about it with you. Maybe over a coffee this weekend?’
Reassure them that this is about connection, not rejection: your partner might worry that changes in intimacy mean something is wrong in the relationship. Make it clear you don’t want to push them away and that you want to work together.
You can say things like:
- ‘I love you and I love us. I want us to feel close, but I also need to be honest about how I’ve been feeling.’
- ‘Things feel different for me right now and I know that might be confusing. I want you to know it’s not you; it’s menopause and I want us to navigate this together.’
Give them insight (without overwhelming them): your partner might not know what menopause actually involves and why would they? But understanding how hormones affect libido, mood and connection can make a huge difference in their patience and support.
You can say things like:
- ‘I’ve been reading a lot about how menopause affects relationships and I’d love to share some of it with you. Can I send you a podcast or article that explains it better than I can?’
- ‘I know this might seem sudden, but menopause is a huge transition. My hormones are shifting, my body feels different and, honestly, I don’t fully understand it myself yet. I just want you to know it’s not personal.’
Keep expectations realistic and invite collaboration: hormonal changes can mean that libido comes and goes, but that doesn’t mean intimacy has to disappear.
You can say things like:
- ‘I know my libido has changed and I don’t want that to make you feel rejected. I want us to find ways to feel close, even if things look a little different right now.’
- ‘I don’t have all the answers yet, but I do know I want us to keep prioritising our connection. Can we work on this together?’
The hardest part is often just starting the conversation, but once you do, you’re removing the guesswork for your partner and giving them a chance to be part of the solution.
Better communication = deeper connection
Ever feel like you’re speaking a different language? That’s menopause messing with your ability to express yourself clearly. Brain fog makes you forget what you were saying mid-sentence and the frustration of not being understood can make you shut down altogether.
More on this: 5 things Dr Ginni Mansberg wants you to know about brain fog
If you’re struggling with communication, try telling your partner, friends or family what you need (patience, space, help with the groceries). They’re not mind-readers. You can also educate them about perimenopause and menopause by sharing articles, podcasts or even this chapter so they understand what’s happening. But remember – the way you communicate matters.
Here are some practical ways to ensure your conversations are constructive, not confrontational.
- Make eye contact: it shows your partner you’re engaged and present.
- Use active listening: instead of thinking about what you’ll say next, really listen. Nod, mirror their expressions or say, ‘I hear you’ to acknowledge what they’re saying.
- Put space between your reaction and action: if they say something that upsets you, pause and take a breath before responding.
- Use ‘I’ statements instead of blame: this keeps the conversation open rather than defensive. Not ‘You never want to touch me any more!’ But ‘I’ve been feeling disconnected lately and I miss our closeness.’
- Minimise distractions: put down the phone, turn off the TV and give each other undivided attention.
- Try a ‘side-by-side’ talk: conversations often feel less intense when you’re walking or driving rather than sitting face-to-face across a table.
Talking about sex and intimacy can feel awkward, especially if things haven’t been great for a while. If emotions run high, it’s okay to take breaks. If things feel tense, you can always say, ‘Let’s pause and come back to this later.’
Even if you don’t have solutions yet, you can reassure your partner by saying, ‘We’re in this as a team and I appreciate you listening.’
Try new forms of intimacy
When stress, exhaustion or hormone-induced mood swings take over, sex can feel like the last thing on your mind. And that’s okay. Intimacy is about more than sex; it’s about connection, trust and feeling close to each other. If you’ve been feeling distant from your partner, the best way forward isn’t to force the spark but to rebuild the foundation of connection first.
These ideas help take pressure off while keeping the bond alive:
- Take sex off the table (for now): try a week or two where you agree to connect (hug, kiss, cuddle) but take intercourse off the table. A sex therapist shared this technique with me in an interview and it’s worked wonders for her clients. It builds emotional and physical closeness without the pressure and can reignite desire in a more natural way.
- A 10-second hug: sounds simple, but a long hug releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which helps reduce stress and brings you closer (literally and emotionally).
- Hold hands, often: while walking, watching TV or waiting for the kettle to boil. Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual to be meaningful.
- Dance in the kitchen: no expectations, no agenda. Just a moment of music and movement that says, I still like being near you.
- Share quiet moments: sit together with a cuppa. Read side by side. Just be together. It builds intimacy, even without words.
More ideas here: Put the zing back into your established relationship
And yes – if one partner still has a higher libido, self-pleasure, erotica or solo exploration can absolutely be part of the mix. This isn’t about ignoring anyone’s needs. It’s about staying connected while giving each other space, compassion and permission to navigate desire in your own way. This phase might look different but that doesn’t mean it can’t be good. Sometimes, it’s the pause that helps you both rediscover what intimacy really means.
Extract from The Perimenopause Method by Michelle Bridges | Pantera Press | RRP $36.99
Feature image: Paul Suesse
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