Lifestyle
10 dating rules for women who are too old for your BS
Lucy Bloom shares some brutally honest midlife dating tips she learned the hard way so you don’t have to.
By Lucy Bloom
There comes a time in every woman’s life when she no longer suffers fools, especially when she has to date them. I messed about for 10 years with daring, but ultimately disappointing, dates. A whole decade of suffering fools, deciphering lies, and saying, ‘Sorry mate, I’m not the girl for you.’
So here comes my 10 hard-earned hetero dating rules for you. It’s all the advice I wish I’d been given when I first hit the dating apps at 41. I hope these rules lead you to many good times with far fewer bad men.
1. Run, run, run from a man who seeks a nurse or a purse
There are too many men looking to fill these roles in their life and you don’t want to sign up for either. I went on a first date with a man who told me all about his lavish lifestyle since retiring from Microsoft. Followed by a rundown of his health issues – our coffee date by the beach quickly became a job interview for a nursing position. Could I administer an EpiPen? How would I manage the situation if he had a fit?
Dude, I just wanted to meet someone who didn’t need me to loan them money for a rental bond – avoid those men too. Men who are financial wrecks will drain you and your bank account, just like they’ve likely done to every other woman in their past.
2. Never date a man who has not finalised his divorce proceedings
This advice is straight from my mate, a family lawyer who has seen it all. I’d like to add to this: never date a man who is balls-deep in a custody battle with a celebrity. I speak from experience: a brief relationship of mine included hiding from the police in the bushes at the dog park and paparazzi following us around. One date with this man evolved into an ambush at his daughter’s soccer practice. Him ambushing her.
We women of a certain age really don’t need this level of drama. I bid him farewell and good luck with his half-million-dollar court battle.
3. Pay for the first date
Don’t commit to having dinner on the first date, just have a coffee or meet at a pub. Then, be the one to pay for both of you. If you pay for the date, it means you owe him nothing if the first date is your last.
I’m a non-drinker, so I order a soda and lime, and he’s generally so chuffed that I’m shouting, he’ll order something exciting like a whisky and dry or a mojito. Never have I ever seen a man walk away from a free drink.
I’ll know if I want a second date with that man within the first 30 seconds of meeting him. If he’s more swagger than soul, I can say a third of the way through my soft drink, ‘It’s been nice meeting you, but I’m going now…’
4. Date young for fun, not for keeps
I’ve dated men 15+ years my junior, and while it was an awful lotta fun and a magnificent ego sizzle, these chaps are not for keeps. Mainly because you have such radically different brain chemistry. Boring but true.
The young lads have higher baseline testosterone, which drives risk-taking, novelty-seeking and intense physical attraction. Older women are living through declining oestrogen and a recalibration of dopamine and serotonin systems. This means priorities shift toward emotional connection, stability and shared values, not just chemistry and thrills. So enjoy those boys, but try not to attach.
5. Write down his red flags
When you write these things down and look at a list, or read it to your bestie, it has more power. Then ask yourself if you would allow your daughter or niece to date a man with a list like that.
For example, here's a red flag list from a man I gave 12 months of my life to when I should have just written a list, looked it over, and said, ‘Sorry mate, I’m not the girl for you’ to save myself the pain and suffering:
- Speaks very poorly of his ex-wife (the woman he cheated on)
- Has temper outbursts and a very, very loud voice
- Heavy drinker
- Smokes weed to calm down
- Hides the screen of his phone from me
- Boasts about beating up weak men in his youth
- Thinks Andrew Tate has some interesting ideas
See? Looks horrific in writing. In person, he was incredibly charming, good-looking and enormously desirable. Write the list.
6. Don’t make excuses for men
It’s in a woman’s nature to be understanding. When things don’t feel right we figure out excuses for a man’s behaviour to make it all make sense – because we really don’t want to face the fact that he is a lying fool.
For example, a last-minute cancellation because it’s his sister’s birthday. You might think, ‘Oh well, these things happen’. Rubbish. It’s been her birthday on that date ALL YEAR.
Or perhaps he says he doesn’t have social media, but next thing you know, his Facebook profile is being suggested as a friend. You might think, ‘That’s odd, maybe he’s forgotten about it or doesn’t use it anymore’. Nope. He uses it. To stalk women and check on his exes. Especially the chaps who say they don’t. If you catch yourself saying ‘That’s odd’, it’s usually a plain old lie.
7. Ask him what he’s done with his pain
Everyone over 40 has baggage, but has he unpacked his? Men who’ve experienced loss, failure, heartbreak and done nothing but numb it with booze, work or women, are men to avoid. A man who has done the work, who can talk about his grief, his shame, his mess without blame or bravado? That man is a keeper.
If he says he’s never been hurt, leave the chat. He’s either lying or emotionally constipated.
8. Pay attention to how he ends things
You’ll learn more from how a man exits a relationship than how he enters one. If he ghosts, blames or leaves a trail of chaos and baby mammas behind him, that’s who he really is.
Ask about his past breakups. How would his ex describe him? If he speaks with insight, respect and responsibility, that’s a man who has done emotional maintenance. If every ex is “crazy”? Guess who’s the common denominator?
9. Have fun, otherwise, what’s the point?
You’re not on the hunt for a fixer-upper project. You’re here for joy, connection, good laughs and maybe a pash in the carpark. So don’t let the weirdos, the liars or the emotionally illiterate suck the fun out of midlife dating.
Swipe with abandon. Say yes when you feel like it, and no when you don’t. I once said yes to lunch on board with the captain of a container ship. This led to one of my life’s most unforgettable and brilliant adventures. Have fun.
10. Trust your gut
She is never wrong.
Feature image: iStock/AndreyPopov
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