Lifestyle
Not so empty nest: How to manage adult kids at home
More Australian parents are sharing their homes with adult children. Here’s how to make it work for everyone under one roof.
By Rosalyn Page
Adult children are living with their parents longer, kept in the nest by rising housing costs, extended studies and saving for the future.
There’s been an increase over many years, with the most recent Census data showing a 17% increase in people aged between 25 and 34 living with their parents since 2016.
Whether it’s a pleasant experience and a way to enjoy your grown-up children, or a frustrating situation that feels like a ‘failure to launch’, depends on many factors.
“For some families, this creates a deep sense of connection and support; for others, it leads to strain, blurred roles, and quiet resentment,” says Kerstin Anderson-Ridge, clinical and counselling psychologist.
The impact on relationships
In her practice, Kerstin is seeing a clear rise in adult children returning to – or simply never leaving – the family home. She finds that one of the biggest issues is a mismatch in expectations.
“Many adult children return home still operating in a dependent mindset, while parents expect them to act like housemates – contributing to bills, doing chores and respecting shared spaces,” she says.
There needs to be clear expectations around the potential flashpoints – money, domestic duties, space and lifestyle differences.
“These agreements need to be explicit, not assumed,” she says.
Kerstin also points to another potential point of trouble: the impact on parental identity and couple relationships.
After enjoying their freedom, it can feel like regressing back to being parents again.
More on this: Rediscovering your marriage in an empty nest
“I always encourage couples to have open conversations about what feels manageable and sustainable and to find ways to maintain their own routines, privacy, and shared vision for the home,” she says.
Kerstin offers key advice to parents is this situation:
- Treat the arrangement as a mutual adult agreement, not a fallback to childhood roles.
- Discuss timelines, expectations, and boundaries in writing if needed.
- Be transparent with all children — not just the one at home — about what’s being offered and why.
- Seek financial or legal advice if needed to understand how the arrangement could affect your retirement or estate.
How one family is making it work
Ros Lockley, mediator and conflict coach, has enjoyed having older children at home, getting to spend time with them without just being ‘the parent’.
“Now they’re adults, we don't have to worry about getting to school on time, doing homework and taxiing them around,” Ros says.
But Ros found herself defaulting to parent-mode when it came to meals and realised she had to change her approach.
“Asking for help with cooking and cleaning took a bit of awareness on my part: I have always done this but wanted to prepare my adult children to be useful – and popular – housemates when they move out with friends or future partners,” she says.
Ros also found it strange at first to take money for board, but found it offered an unexpected way to help the children out, while teaching them about paying their own way in the world.
“I felt like I was being miserly asking them to contribute, … but I realised they need to pay rent wherever they live and I’m not teaching them financial literacy if they earn money with no boundaries.”
Ros puts the money towards the cost of feeding them and the household utility bills. If there’s any left over, she saves it towards a deposit for their own homes.
“I haven't told them this, it will be a lovely surprise when they buy a house (or unit), and we can give them a little extra money to ease the financial stress that they will no doubt feel,” she says.
Pet minders, baby sitters and more
Having adult children at home offers scope for deepening relationships among the family members and is a way to provide support on a practical level. For instance, retirees who are travelling regularly may have home-grown pet minders or house sitters.
Gina Guddat, licensed psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, says the topic comes up regularly in her clinical practice and she has seen many different arrangements.
Some families create a calendar for meal planning, share the cleaning and maintenance of the shared spaces, or have each person take responsibility for certain chores, suggests Gina.
“Extra people in the house causes more messes, it also provides more individuals to help with house projects, landscaping and larger jobs that retired people might otherwise need to hire out,” she says.
In some cases, adult children may return home with partners and children of their own. This creates another dimension for extended family bonding, but can also raise questions around expectations for the older parents in offering babysitting or childcare.
“Some relish the opportunity to get every minute with small children, and others create firm boundaries of only committing to one day of babysitting per week,” says Gina.
She also believes that as part of setting clear boundaries and expectations, there needs to be an end-date to the arrangement. “This can be flexible and move according to the circumstances.
“Another important reason to never skip your monthly check-in meetings is to make sure everyone is on the same page with everyone’s plans,” she says.
The impact of sibling relationships and financial considerations
Fairness between siblings is also a consideration when some adult children live with their parents for extended periods of time, but others don’t.
If one adult child lives rent-free while others have moved out and are paying rent or mortgages, it can spark hidden resentments – particularly when it comes to estate planning, notes Kerstin Anderson-Ridge.
“I’ve worked with families where a lack of clarity about contributions or ‘gifts’ has caused long-term damage to sibling relationships.
“Parents may think they’re simply helping, but it’s important to consider how that help is perceived, and whether it’s seen as equitable in the long term,” she says.
There can also be financial and legal implications that retirees don’t anticipate. For example, Centrelink may include the adult child’s income as part of a household means test, potentially impacting the parents’ Age Pension.
Additionally, not charging board or gifting money can have implications for future asset testing and aged care eligibility.
Warns Kerstin: “When managed thoughtfully, this living arrangement can work beautifully. But without clarity and communication, it can silently unravel relationships and create long-term emotional or financial stress.”
Feature image: iStock/:DMP
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